It's funny how me attending the Imperfect Boss Camp fell in the alignment during my month of exploration of FEAR & CURIOSITY.
I was so curious about this camp after finding it online last year. It spoke to my heart being in a beautiful Canadian setting where women gather to talk work, dreams and self-acceptance. I was curious about what I would uncover about myself and the type of people that I would meet.
Which feeling was just as present as my curiosity. No doubt it was all of my fears! The fact that I was going to a new place to meet new people. Fear of judgement, rejection, people-pleasing, not showing up, not being seen, not being able to be my full anxious, curious self.
All of these things were present.
On the bus ride into camp from the airport, I observed a thought that came into my brain.
It was the thought, "I don't have a lot of women friends"
As an ex-bully I always found friend making tough. I always gravitated towards making friends with the dudes. Their judgements and expectations were easier to navigate than those of teenage girls.
Even in the midst of laughter and the 'getting to know you that was happening on the bus I felt myself retreating because I kept thinking this one thought. Funny how we can observe a thought that you know is negative and still fall into the same patterns even though you want a different outcome.
Then we arrived at camp. We were late, we were tired, we were hungry. And in that instant when we arrived I was greeted with open arms and smiles. I was terrified. It was obvious people were already friends, and I felt like the odd duck out.
I had to remind myself that I was only there for 3 nights. I had to remind myself that I signed up for this experience. I had to remind myself that just because I think I don't have women friends means that I can't and won't! I had to remind myself that I love me, and others will love me too if I let them. I had to remind myself that I am worth it.
After we filled our bellies we were introduced to our bunk matess and mentor around a campfire. We talked about what we were excited for and what we wanted to leave at camp.
We were given a small piece of paper and asked to write down what we were leaving behind. I wrote down that I wanted to let go of judgement of myself and others.
That was the wall I have built and hidden behind for so long. Keeping everyone just at arm's length away means that they couldn't see my flaws. But throughout the week I felt seen up close. And it was both terrifying and magical.
Sure, I had a couple of anxiety attacks during activities but I picked up my courage and found encouragement from other people. It was a helpful reminder that asking for help isn't weakness.
I left camp feeling recharged, inspired and the most like myself. And now I have a group of women that I know are my cheerleaders because sometimes we forget our own worth.
Thank you to the women that helped me really see me. Thank you for the hugs, the talks, the walks, the words of wisdom, the tarot readings, the kid sharing stories, the cat sharing stories. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for creating space for me to show up. Thank you thank you from the depths of me - thank you <3
I want you to know that I am your cheerleader! I want you to know that even though it can seem like we have shit figured out - we don't! I am still on my journey of self-acceptance and discovery and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am beyond excited to step into this new phase of my life and business. And I am even MORE excited to help you do the same.
If you find yourself living and having a lot of judgy thoughts know that I got you. If you find yourself building walls to hide behind, know that I'll help you break those bad boys down. If you are ready to step into your own greatness, I want to be your guide.
Let's keep living this Imperfect train together